Why Momma is Angry

He stood there telling me he did not want to do what I had asked. He was three, I was angry. I took him by the arm yanked him toward me. He fell into the wall. I yelled. He cried. Then I cried. I then wrapped my arms around him, hugged him and told him how sorry I was. He wasn’t hurt. He was scared. I was scared.

ID-100104411.jpgMy anger had never gotten that bad. It wasn’t his fault. He was three. I cried to Jesus.

Several years later. Another child. He was four. He was angry. He stomped back to his room and slammed the door. He was a lot like me. He had learned what I had model.

It wasn’t his fault. I was the one who was angry. In fact I was angry a lot. It was always there, somewhere deep inside threatening to erupt. Most of the time I could control it. Most of the time it lie hidden just beneath the surface.

Once again I cried to Jesus.

I began counseling. I needed to understand. I didn’t want to be an angry momma. I loved my children deeply. My boys were my life. They were precious gifts. I wanted to be a good momma.

Here is what I learned. This is what took years to fully understand, come to grips with and heal.

My anger was not about them or my circumstances. It was a heart issue. My heart was yucky. There were things I had not dealt with. Things left unsaid. The past had been buried and needed to be dug up.

There were wounds that were oozing with infection. That infection had spread to the point that it could no longer be contained. I could just keep dealing with the oozing that came out but it would effectually become worse. I had to deal with what was causing the infection. I had to deal with the wound. I need to allow Jesus to go deep inside and cleanse the wound. It was deep and it had years to become rancid. It smelled. It was messy.

It did not matter to Jesus. Patiently, loving and with much grace He began to clean out the infection. It would take a long time to fully heal but the there would be growth. I would be less angry. I would understand that my anger wasn’t directed at anyone but the hurt the infection causes.

I had to deal with my issues. I had to take an honest look at what painful circumstances were causing my pain and showed itself in being anger. As I allowed God to work through these things I grew to handle my anger in better ways.

I still got angry, but I didn’t slam doors. I still got angry, but I didn’t “lose it.” Instead I chose to write, pray, remove myself until I calm down, write, and pray.

Momma do you get angry at your children? An anger that can be hard to control? Do you get angrier than is warranted? Then may I encourage you to talk to someone. A friend, pastor, counselor or your husband. Be willing to look inside to see if there are things you have not dealt with. Ask God to reveal the true state of your heart. Ask Him to reveal those things that may be causing the anger.

Then be willing to work hard through these things. Be willing to do it not only for your children but yourself.

Photo courtesy of  David Castillo Dominici, at www.freedigitalphotos.net

I Cried for You Today

(Originally posted in 2008 on http://www.Quiet-Reflections.com)
Recently God has allowed women to come across my path through this blog world that my heart bonded with because of similar life experiences. Today I sat and read the stories of two more women and my heart could not take anymore.

I sat and cried, for over an hour I cried. I cried for their pain. I cried for their loss of innocence at such early ages. I cried for the fear they felt. I cried for their aloneness. I cried for their loss of childhood. I cried for the tears they could not cry, the security they did not feel and the love they did not know.

LL0000A261I cried and mourned for all of the little girls who have had innocence taken from them so early in life. I mourned for those precious baby girls who would know evil in such a personal way that many will never have to know. Evil that penetrates body, soul, mind and emotions.

And then I became angry. I was angry at the evil these women have had to endure as precious little girls. At the hopelessness they have felt. I was angry at mothers who knew and yet kept their silence or did not believe.

As I sat there unable to sort through all the emotions of these lives I called my sister (spiritual sister). As I sat there talking with her through my tears I was able to see that while I mourned their losses, God had given me a beautiful gift. He has allowing me to mourn the losses of my childhood. I had not mourned quite like this before. This was good. This was more healing, deeper healing.

My counselor has tried to get me to go here. To admit the losses and to mourn them. She keeps telling me it’s ok to mourn, but I could not or maybe the truth is I would not. But today God used two women whose stories are similar to mine to allow me to mourn. There is healing in allowing yourself to mourn.

So today I cry – I mourn for my sisters who have had so many losses along this journey and once again, on an even deeper level, I mourn for my losses.

As I sit here, tears dried, asking God how can I help? What can I do? He reminded me of a truth He spoke to me several years ago when we first began this journey toward healing,hope and freedom.

He reminded me truths from Isaiah 61:1-7 from The Message….

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace— 
a celebration of God’s destruction of our enemies—
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them “Oaks of Righteousness”
planted by God to display his glory.
They’ll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage.
They’ll start over on the ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind and make it new.
You’ll hire outsiders to herd your flocks
and foreigners to work your fields,
But you’ll have the title “Priests of God,”
honored as ministers of our God.
You’ll feast on the bounty of nations,
you’ll bask in their glory.
Because you got a double dose of trouble
and more than your share of contempt,
Your inheritance in the land will be doubled
and your joy go on forever.

Isaiah 62:2b-5
You’ll get a brand-new name
straight from the mouth of God.
You’ll be a stunning crown in the palm of God’s hand,
a jeweled gold cup held high in the hand of your God.
No more will anyone call you Rejected,
and your country will no more be called Ruined.
You’ll be called Hephzibah (My Delight),
and your land Beulah (Married),
Because God delights in you
and your land will be like a wedding celebration.
For as a young man marries his virgin bride,
so your builder marries you,
And as a bridegroom is happy in his bride,
so your God is happy with you.

My precious sisters, God gave me today the privilege of morning for you. My heart aches for what you have walked through. But this one thing I know, we were not alone in our abuse and pain. Our God was with us. I believe our Father in heaven mourned for our pain and cried out “you will not hurt my child and not suffer!” (see Matt 18:6-7)

I love you my sisters and I wrap my arms of love around you and I pray to our Father that he will continue the healing process in your lives as you seek HIS face.